When "Being Right" Goes Wrong: How Naive Realism Keeps Couples Stuck
What Is Naive Realism?
Naive realism is a psychological concept that says we believe we see the world objectively and that anyone who disagrees with us must be uninformed, irrational, or biased. It's the sense that "I see things clearly, and if you don't, you're just wrong."
In couples therapy, naive realism shows up all the time. It's a major culprit behind stuck arguments, growing resentment, and the slow drift into disconnection.
A Fictional Example: Emma and Noah
Emma and Noah are locked in yet another argument about how to handle their finances. Emma believes she's practical and responsible; Noah sees her as rigid and controlling. Noah sees himself as generous and big-picture-oriented; Emma sees him as impulsive and unreliable.
Both are certain their view is the most accurate. Neither can see the layers beneath the surface: Emma's anxiety about security, Noah's fear of being micromanaged. Because they're both operating from naive realism, there's no room for curiosity—only judgment.
How Naive Realism Hurts Relationships
When couples fall into the trap of naive realism, they:
Get stuck in repetitive arguments
Feel constantly misunderstood
Lose empathy for each other
Struggle to repair after conflict
Over time, this dynamic can erode trust and emotional safety. Partners start seeing each other not as whole people with stories and wounds, but as opponents to be defeated.
How Couples Therapy Helps
One of the most powerful shifts in couples work is helping each person recognize, "I might not have the full picture."
By gently challenging naive realism, couples can:
Move from certainty to curiosity
Understand each other's emotional context
Build bridges instead of battle lines
Imagine if Emma could say, "When you spend spontaneously, I feel scared about our future," and Noah could say, "When you criticize my spending, I feel like nothing I do is good enough." Now they’re speaking from vulnerability, not defensiveness.
A New Way Forward
If you're stuck in the same exhausting debates with your partner, it might not be about who's right—it might be naive realism at play. The truth is, we all have blind spots. And connection begins when we're willing to question our version of the story. If you're ready to break the cycle of misunderstandings and learn how to communicate with more empathy and insight, couples therapy can help. Reach out today to start building the relationship you both deserve.
