When the Unconscious Drives Your Relationship (And You Call It Fate)

Discover how unconscious patterns shape your relationship dynamics and how couples therapy can help you rewrite the script—together.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” —Carl Jung

This quote by Jung isn’t just about personal growth—it’s deeply relevant to relationships. So often, couples find themselves caught in repeating arguments, stuck in familiar frustrations, or feeling like they’re reenacting the same painful scenes over and over again. They might call it bad luck or incompatibility… but often, it’s something deeper at play: the unconscious.

How Unconscious Patterns Show Up in Relationships

Unconscious patterns are the old stories we carry—beliefs, wounds, and expectations that stem from past experiences, especially from childhood or past relationships. These patterns operate like background apps, draining your emotional bandwidth without you realizing it.

Some examples include:

• Always feeling rejected when your partner needs space (even when they’re not pushing you away).

• A tendency to shut down in conflict because you grew up in a household where anger felt dangerous.

• Picking fights when things feel too good because peace feels unfamiliar—or even unsafe.

  
  

A (Fictional) Example: Maya and Theo

Maya and Theo, a fictional couple, have been together for six years. Maya often feels Theo doesn’t really see her. She finds herself snapping at him over small things—dirty dishes, phone scrolling, his tone of voice. Theo, on the other hand, feels like he’s constantly walking on eggshells and can never get it right.

In therapy, they discovered that Maya learned to equate being unseen with being unsafe—growing up, she had to make herself small to avoid emotional chaos at home. Theo, who was raised to never rock the boat, learned to suppress his own needs. Neither was consciously choosing these behaviors, but they were running the show.

By making the unconscious conscious, Maya and Theo could begin responding to each other rather than to the ghosts of the past.

Why This Work Matters in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy offers a space to name and explore these unconscious patterns—gently, compassionately, and without blame. We look at how these old wounds are showing up now and why. This isn't about digging through the past for the sake of it. It’s about understanding what’s driving the present… and choosing differently.

How to Start Making the Unconscious Conscious

Here are a few ways couples can begin:

• Pause and Reflect: When you feel a strong reaction, ask: “What does this remind me of?”

• Use “I” Language: Instead of blaming, speak from your internal experience: “I notice I feel really small when we argue.”

• Get Curious, Not Critical: Assume your partner’s behavior has a story behind it—even if you don’t know what it is yet.

  
  

What If It Feels Like Fate?

Sometimes it really does feel like the same scene on repeat. That’s not fate—it’s a pattern. The good news? Patterns can be rewritten. And when both partners are willing to look inward, healing can happen in powerful, lasting ways.

Ready to Explore the Patterns That Might Be Running Your Relationship?

I help couples gently uncover and shift the unconscious dynamics that keep them stuck. If you're curious about how this might help you and your partner, you're welcome to reach out for a consultation.