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  • astonetherapist

Why love might not be enough for a solid relationship

Updated: Feb 27

Spring is here, love is in the air, all that good stuff. However, I am here to tell you that “just love” is not enough to sustain a romantic relationship. Hear me out. Hollywood and Disney movies teach us false ideas about what marriage and relationships should look like. Social media accounts typically only show the fun, sweet positive moments. It is no wonder that such overwhelming messages lead us to create unrealistic expectations for our partner, easily leading to resentment or depression. I don’t believe there is one single perfect match or one soulmate. Every human has flaws. Being stuck in magical thinking will not serve you. We need to use our heart and also our mind when it comes to making relationships work in a way that is “good enough,” that is, not perfect but meeting most your attachment needs most of the time.

Research shows that if those attachment needs are met 70 percent of the time you will feel more secure. It is also crucial to understand partners’ weaknesses as well as strengths, gain insight into where they are drawn from, what past they come to us from, what makes you tick during stressful times. I would also not recommend relying on love in order to have a reason not to work on yourself or your relationship.

No matter how functional and healthy your relationship is though, it will never meet every single need you have and it is ok to have some of those needs met elsewhere: by your friends, an enjoyable career, hobbies, time alone or play.

As an adult, you shouldn’t ask your partner to meet all of your needs. It is not realistic, it is not fair and it will lead to disappointment if you do. You are responsible for finding ways to get your needs met. I have also seen some partners that want to be “everything” to their partner or want their partner to be everything to them to be a way of trying to have control or wanting to possess someone. This is where therapy and healing come in to work with that desire and compassionately look at where that is coming from.

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