Do you want to be right or do you want to be connected?

You didn’t do anything wrong, your partner is to blame, you shouldn’t have to deal with it, you were right, they were wrong!

When you are arguing, it is natural for each partner to want to defend their position and make a case proving that they are right. It could temporarily feel good to win. Sadly, such win comes with a big price: it can cost you the connection you need to sustain a satisfying relationship. Why? Because getting in these adversarial positions often leads to defensiveness and a lack of compassion towards the other person’s perspective. It creates a divide between the partners in the form of a power dynamic where one person is seen as the winner and the other as the loser. Doesn’t sound very healthy, does it?

Do you want to be right or do you want to feel connected? Trust me, I have seen this time and time again: you can’t have both. Fighting about right and wrong, wearing your partner down with some hardcore evidence will only further alienate you. How important is the outcome of the argument, really? Will it matter 5 years from now? Try to set your ego and self-righteousness aside. Prioritize your relationship. This is something I frequently work on with my couples so you are definitely not alone in the struggle.

Please remember that your view is not the only reality. Being open to your partner’s view will get you much closer to a solid relationship.

Does it feel really hard to do?  Think about your childhood: was it dangerous for you to be wrong? Did you get punished or mocked if you didn’t get things right? Did you feel like you were not allowed to make mistakes? Did you get the message that if you mess up you are unworthy of love? It’s possible you internalized those kinds of messages and are now subconsciously fighting to stay safe. But that’s someone else’s old insecurity you are still taking on now. Can you let go of it? Metaphorically send it back to where it came from? It is no longer your burden to carry. Can you transcend that and not repeat the unhelpful pattern?

I will leave you with this: being connected in a relationship necessitates an open mind and a willingness to truly hear and listen to a different perspective, whether or not you agree with it. It means being able to accept your partner’s influence (I even have a worksheet for this, pretty cool), show respect and tenderness towards your partner, learn active listening and build the capacity for more empathy. This is absolutely doable!