The Most Dangerous Words in a Relationship (A Therapist Explains Why They Matter)

We often don’t even realize we’re doing it. Sometimes, the words that harm our relationships the most are the ones we say in good faith—without any intent to hurt. Words like “I understand” or “I don’t know” might seem harmless, even caring, but in certain contexts, they can do real damage. And a few words—like “you” and “but”—can quietly chip away at trust and connection in ways we don’t always see coming.

As a couples therapist, I’m not talking about obvious insults or yelling—those are clear red flags. What I want to focus on are the everyday words and phrases that subtly undermine trust, create emotional distance, and leave couples wondering: “Why do we keep missing each other?” Let’s take a closer look at some of these invisible communication traps.

When “I Understand” Doesn’t Land the Way You Think

You might be trying to be supportive. But when someone is sharing their inner turmoil or confusion, a quick “I understand” can come across as dismissive—or even arrogant. After all, how could you possibly fully understand what they’re going through?

Instead of “I understand,” try:

• “I believe you.”

• “That makes sense.”

• “I hear how hard this is.”

These phrases affirm the other person’s experience without assuming you know exactly how they feel.

Why “I Don’t Know” Can Be a Red Flag

Of course, it’s okay not to have all the answers. But when someone says “I don’t know” in response to emotional questions—like “What do you need right now?” or “What are you feeling?”—it often signals something deeper.

Sometimes, “I don’t know” means:

• “I’m afraid to tell you the truth.”

• “I don’t feel safe saying how I really feel.”

• “I haven’t let myself think about this yet.”

  Instead of accepting “I don’t know” at face value, try gently exploring:

• “Take your time—I really want to understand.”

• “What’s coming up for you, even if it feels messy?”

Words That Undermine Trust (Even When You Mean Well)

Certain words express doubt in your partner’s competence or emotional world—often without realizing it. These include:

• “You need to just get over it.”

• “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

• “You have to move on.”

Even when said with love, these phrases often land as criticism. They communicate: You’re not handling this the way you should—which can feel deeply invalidating. Instead of offering advice or solutions, practice holding space. Most people don’t need fixing; they need to feel heard.

The Problem with “But” and “You”

The phrases that do the most damage in relationships almost always include the words “you” and “but.”

For example:

• “I’m sorry, but you really overreacted.”

• “You always do this.”

• “You never listen.”

These statements put the other person on the defensive and create a cycle of blame and disconnection. There’s no room for collaboration when one person is on trial.

Instead, shift to “I” statements that take ownership of your feelings and create space for dialogue:

• “I felt hurt when that happened.”

• “I’m struggling to feel heard right now.”

• “Can we talk about what just happened? I want to understand.”

Why Saying “Everything Will Be Okay” Can Backfire

You might think you’re being reassuring—but if you don’t actually know how something will turn out, saying “It’ll all be okay” can come across as minimizing or dismissive. It may unintentionally shut down important emotions like fear, grief, or vulnerability.

What to say instead:

• “I don’t know what will happen, but I’m here with you in this.”

• “It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”

Uncertainty shared with honesty and presence creates connection—not distance.

One More Word to Handle with Care: “No”

“No” is not inherently harmful. When spoken calmly and clearly, it can set a healthy boundary. But when it’s used to shut down someone’s emotional experience—“No, you’re not upset” or “No, you don’t mean that”—it becomes invalidating and damaging.

So What Actually Helps?

Here’s what builds connection instead of breaking it down:

• Use “I” instead of “you.”
  This small shift reduces defensiveness and invites connection.

• Name your own emotions without blaming.
  “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now” is very different from “You’re overwhelming me.”

• Pause before reacting.
  Take a breath. Count to three. Ask yourself: “Am I speaking from my values or from my emotion in this moment?”

• Focus on curiosity, not control.
  Trust that your partner has their own inner wisdom. Let them find their path—with your support, not your correction.

• Don’t try to fix what you can’t.
  Just listen. That alone is often the most healing thing you can do.

Choose Words That Connect, Not Correct

If you want to nurture emotionally safe, intimate, and resilient relationships, let your words reflect that intention. You don’t have to be perfect. Just willing. Willing to pause, to reflect, to rephrase.

Because often, it’s not the big fights that erode love—it’s the little misunderstandings that pile up, word by word.