Why We Judge Others — and What It Reveals About Ourselves and Our Relationships
Do you ever catch yourself feeling critical toward your partner—or anyone else—and wonder why? Maybe it’s their tone, a habit that irritates you, or something small that suddenly feels big. Judgment is a natural human response—but when it becomes habitual, it can quietly erode connection and trust in our relationships.
The Hidden Impact of Judgment in Relationships
No one likes to feel judged. Yet many of us learned criticism early in life, often from caregivers who thought they were “helping us do better.” Those experiences can shape how we relate to others as adults.
Imagine a fictional female client who grew up with a father whose approval always felt just out of reach:
“Couldn’t you have done it properly?”
“I might as well have done it myself.”
Even as an adult, the client felt that same anxiety creeping in—at work, with friends, and in her marriage. Her inner critic constantly asked, “Am I good enough?” When we’ve internalized criticism, we often turn it outward too. What we judge in others can mirror what we secretly fear or dislike in ourselves.
Why We Judge Others: The Mirror Effect
Judgment can act as a defense mechanism—a way of protecting ourselves from uncomfortable emotions. It’s easier to point out someone else’s flaw than to admit we’re struggling with the same thing.
Psychologist Carl Jung called this the “shadow self”—the parts of our personality we suppress, deny, or disown. They might include anger, jealousy, neediness, or even positive traits we’ve never allowed ourselves to embrace.
When something about your partner (or anyone) triggers irritation, ask:
What is this reaction showing me about myself?
Does this touch a part of me I’ve been trying not to see?
Bringing curiosity instead of judgment helps turn conflict into an opportunity for understanding—both of yourself and your partner.
Working With Your Shadow: From Criticism to Curiosity
Instead of rushing to correct or criticize, try pausing and reflecting:
When do I feel most judgmental toward others?
What emotions come up in those moments?
Is there a need underneath this reaction—like wanting to feel safe, respected, or seen?
The goal isn’t to “eliminate” judgment, but to use it as information. Every moment of irritation holds a message about your needs, fears, or boundaries. When couples begin to notice what their judgments are protecting, they often uncover deeper layers of vulnerability—and new paths toward empathy and repair.
Judgment and Self-Compassion
The way you judge others often mirrors how harshly you judge yourself. If you grew up around criticism, your inner dialogue might echo those early voices. Practicing self-compassion helps soften both internal and external judgment. When you catch yourself being critical, try shifting to:
“I’m noticing this reaction. What might it be trying to tell me?”
The more kindness we extend to ourselves, the more understanding we can offer to our partners.
A Small Practice to Try
For one day, notice your first impressions of people—your partner, a friend, even a stranger. Do you focus on their flaws or their strengths? What happens when you intentionally look for something admirable or kind? Learning to see others through a gentler lens brings more ease, safety, and warmth into all your relationships.
When Judgment Is Hurting Your Relationship
In couples therapy, we often discover that judgment is a cover for fear—fear of rejection, of being wrong, of losing control.
When partners learn to share the vulnerability behind their criticism, genuine connection begins. If you and your partner find yourselves caught in patterns of judgment or defensiveness, therapy can help you slow down, understand what’s really happening underneath, and rebuild emotional safety.
